Benvolio's Urban Poetry

House

2009-06-13T14:28:00.000-07:00

A comission by Lady La of Lobelia Lane

House
By Lord Bynron

I live in a house
It laughs in the face of rain
But trembles in wind

Wedding in Jesus' days

2009-06-06T17:02:00.000-07:00

Our tale begins 2 k years ago
At a wedding in Caanern with wine running low
The sum of the guests is more than expected
So to nip to the offy one man is elected.
The short straw is drawn by a white Galilean
Who grumbled moreosely `What's wrong with the tea urn?`
But the crowd had decided over dinner alfresco
That the one they call Christ should pop off to Tesco.

So the Son of Man (against His best wishes)
Stood up from His meal of bread and fishes
He asks what they want as they munch on their haddocks
And the crowd all cry back `WE WANT BEER-ABBOTTS!`.

Alas at this time in the Land of Zion
Carpentry work was bad to rely on
As trees were scarce in the hot desert land
(it seems even cedards don't like the sand)
So Jesus' pockets are running quite light
But the crowd wants booze to sustain them tonight.

A wry smile forms on the Son of God's face
As He develops a plan to get drunk this place.
A plan so cunning e'en a fox would admit:
That as cunning goes - this cuns every bit!

He creeps to the servants like the fox in His mind
And skulks behind a man chopping lime
Onward He tiptoes to the watery jars
And then stoops low, like a man behind bars.
When the coast is clear he lays on His hand
And mutturs some words drowned out by the band.

The jars start to shudder as the magic takes place
And God's work is done in amazing grace
A brief shining light blinks in the scene
and a tinkling of bells so smooth and serene.
It's a pity more people can't see the miracle
and proove Jesus' powers by virtue empirical.
Four jiffies later the act's almost complete
We have jars of red water by the Messiah's feet
and He prays `Father, there's one last thing I wish...`
then hearing his prayer, the Spirit swoops in and makes the wine Irish.

Proud of this feat, the King of Kings grins
And says to a waiter `who needs Oddbins?`
Confused by Jesus' question rhetorical
The waiter looks blank and asks `was that metaphorical?`
`my child...` the happy Rabbi begins
`Soon I will have forgiven your sins`
The blank look has gone from the waiter's face
He just now looks awkward and lacking grace.

So the waiter stands there like a field half harvested
his attention arrested
intellectually bested
his faith contested
forgivness suggested.

The teacher is happy that the servant was thinking
and observed the thought process with attention unblinking
And knowing he was on to a good thing
he rushed the stage while the band were playing
and grabbing the microphone from the lead singer
he let the awkward silence linger
until it turned to fearful revererie
And focus was on Him from every.

After a while His voice began
``I am He - the Galileen man
who has come to do many great works and deeds
like heal the sick and plant spiritual seeds
in the hearts of the needy who hear my voice
and put my spirit in them and them rejoice
To spread peace and loving to all mankind
and show the way to those who are blind.
To destroy the temple but in good ways
and build it up again in three days
to challenge the authority of the rular's rule
and take Jerusalem from atop a mule
I'll build my church upon the rock
and unto it all men will flock
for countless centuries from this day forwards
I shall be known as the Lord of Lords!!!!
Host of hosts and Lion of Judah
Maybe smaller than the beatles but bigger than Buddah.
I shall be known as the Prince of Peace
The boss, indeed, of the Great High Priest
Other names include Bread of Life,
Alpha and Omega, Man of the Tithe.
Light of the World, Redeemer,
Lamb of God, Great Healer...

`` And I know, I know it's the Cowen's special day
and you didn't bank on me taking away
the attention and focus of your matrimony
but you must understand the importance of me
so to underline my importance divine
I invite you, friends, to drink of this wine!``

Philly Philamonic Hip-Hop

2009-05-11T16:53:00.000-07:00

Dis is da broken

spoken word intro.

Said over a solid

grungy steady

east coast beat.

Ugh! Ugh!

Den da verse begin:

A live in da ghetto

A drink some amaretto

A sometime play da cello

In da `Angry Black concerto`

#Dis is da Philly Philamonic hip-hop#

A wants ma music regal

like ma man Vaughn Williams and his seagull

Ma raps are compliant and they're legal

And part-funded by Steven Segal.

'Cuz ma homie Casey Ryback

takes his curtain off it's tie-back

y'all he just like to lie back

'n' listen to ma music on his 8-track

'n' he'll all like ``Yo orchestra Philly

Y'all do to me

More dan B-I-G``

And I'm inclined to agree

#Dis is da Philly Philamonic hip-hop#

Ma rapp'n takes a new direction

dere's crescendoes in da string section

A adds a slight brass injection

And add a woodwind for perfection.

Dis here's hip-hop at anuvva level

and I is its conductin' devil

in ma low-down beats I can see ya revel

but in those heels you shud all be careful

cuz dere's one thing we gots the same:

da corner hussler and soprano dame.

Dat's da safety of your health

Dis is how Fiddy earned his wealth

not in a tax of stealth

but securing items on a shelf.

And the same is true for ma man Puccini

His house was known as `il casa safetini`

and dere you couldn't drink a martini

in a regime like Burnito Mussolini.

So next time y'all wants to take some class A

At a poorly lit evening soiree

remember what da Philly Philamonic has to say

`Keep all o' ya snorting andante`

#Dis is da Philly Philamonic hip-hop#

fades out the outro voiceover

All things is possible in da Philly Philamonic hip-hop

da cream of da classical rap crop

we delivers more dan 1970s TV cop

we gots more sht than a fertalizer shop

and dat, is how we roll. Full stop.

Hamstyr hamstyr burning dull

2009-05-04T17:44:00.000-07:00

Hamstyr hamstyr burning dull
on who's brown I often mull
What average hand or eye
Could frame thy mediocrity?

A ball of brown fuzz like
a bear on hunger strike
or a cotton wool ball
but not as small.

No noise of which to speak
eminates from your mouth or beak
you are as mute as a tree
which suits me happily.

For hamstyr has no thing to talk
'xcept a wheel in which he walk
and sometimes sesimee seed
or tap water indeed.

What a waste of stupid time
is this brown hamstyr of mine
i wish my mom would have got me
a plastic dinosaur tamagotchi!

Yarco Yarn 1

2009-04-27T14:31:00.000-07:00

You
yeah you!
Hahaha
Come here...
Aaahhhhhhhhhh cummonnnnnnnn! kuM her!!!!!!11!1

Iz ok, man! I'm not drunk!
Well I was drunk hahaha, but not
OOP! slippy hand rail here
am not drunk now

Come here! come on,
come one! cum here!!

hahaaahaaaa

I'm Bem.

Right, yeah, there was like...
this...

fckn SERIUSLY massive guy
in a gay black suit and black tie
he's jst lk all up in ma face
acting like he own dis place
and heez sayin `you...`
and I'z lk `who...?`

he sayin `you cunt tek ur shirt off
so Im lk `U cun fk off`
n den he sez he's da busker
But I'm lk `why shd I trust ya`
n he go's `I'll get 2 da point
`get out of dis joint
`or am gunna appoint
`ma fists 2 ur groin`

Hw GAY is dat?!

So den yeah he pix me up
n I'm lk `dude wussup?!`
n he duntsay nuffin
just keeps pushin n shuvvin
me out dat door jst there
it's lk well unfare!
but I got my pride y'know
ground floor window - in i go
stumble inside the gents
den this othr guy vents
jst cuz he was tekkn a piss
and he recunz i made him miss

so i get back to da bar
n order me a jar
n that bender cumz bk up to me
lk proppa angry
n frows me oput agen
n that's wqen
i saw u and thaught
that i ought
to ask u, yeah

cud u do us a favour and get me shirt from inside?

The day it ended...

2009-04-25T18:19:00.000-07:00

A day in the streets of the strip.

a few hours after noon

after the peak of the heat

the soldiers rise from their lunch and back to work

Dozy from the lunchtime sun

and weary from a week's comflict

the half arsed soldier that runs a big gun

picks up a shells to a subtle

sfft, tap

as the heavy metal is picked from concrete.

He loads another. The

sfft, tap

sound recapitulates in the same pitch.

The company is trained in precision

in rhythm

they're there to make their presence known.

And so at half two,

The artilliary layed down a phat

boom-boom-boom-boom

For the next block to hear

Brothers in arms pick up the theme

and the descant RPG's

zoom... zooom

AK rounds ping from armour plating

ting-ting-te-te-t'ting... ting-ting-te-te-t'ting

The noise crescendoes

The beat stays strong

Maybe the deep rhythmic bombs

are about to syncopate?

But back in line they fall

a steady

BOOM, boom, BOOM, boom

underpins the carnival...

Soldiers poke their heads above the sand bags

A timid jerk of the shoulder from an Arab corporal

watched by the Israelie sniper across the street

in perfect time to the rhythm of the beat

as if the booms themselves are pulling on him

The adhān bellows

And the chorus begins

The Israelie sniper siezes the beat

and body pops out of hiding

doing the side-shuffle to the middle of the street

vulnerable to a hundred sights

emboldened by the music

vulterable only to it, now.

And the BOOM-boom-BOOM-boom persists

The soprano ting-te-t'tings draw the hardest combetant from hiding

The adhān goes on

Helmets come off

Chests are liberated from kevlar

Even the velcro betrays the beat

Scchcchcchcchhhh! Scchcchcchcchhhh!

Go the straps.

The street is alive and resounding in the rhythm

Two factions of uniform

once designed for distinction

now decorate the street in colour

Green never looked so alive.

Pulsing to one tune

one accord

an army transcending war

serving only the moment

where

Disengaged suiside bombers

click-de-clack, click-de-clack

their detonators like maraccas

their bulky vests mere fireworks

held together with duct tape

as if the idea of celebration itself

were cuddling them

The batallion in the next block need to reload

And the boom-boom-boom-boom stops

And it's like

all the bass is taken out

and all that's left is highs

but the trebble hasn't noticed

and you hear the echo

of the angel ting-ting-t'tings

the Muezzin cries on

as if either feeding on

(or making up for)

the lack of bass

he screams, he sings, he pleads

Aaiiyaaaaiiyaaaiyaaaa..

And it feels like all of Gaza responds

And in that moment

The whole town is his mosque

The city a synagogue

And neither either

Favours or embitters the citizens

But ask only that they

Eat and drink from the same beat.

He reaches his last cadence

the new type of suspense in the air

builds up

and is immediately appeased

when the resounding

reverberating

bone shaking

BOOM-boom-BOOM-boom

re-joins the scene!

And the assembled cheer

as if their world depended on the beat

and if just for a tiny moment

If only for that minuscule window of time

the idea crosses their mind

that the heartbeat binding them together at that moment,

is stronger than the discourse that ever drove them apart.

Application For the Position of Poet Lauriet

2009-03-21T18:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Your Majesty

On the Guradian's pages I did read
A lauriet of poems that you're in need
For after the great 10 year commotion
We see the demise of Andy Motion

A man who in all but word and rhyme
Was a poet renowned in his time
And this in itself is an accolade
But not the fact that he never stayed:

To iambic pentameter emmerse the nation
And justify the loquacious station
of poet lauriet that was strangely mute
Of an ex-royal member and a Parisian pursuit.

The time has come, or so say the wise,
That the man of Motion we'd eulogise
His empty anthologies and brimming inkwell
Betray the deficit of creative braincell.

So be gone the lazy and stir him to quit!
For the time has come for iBen to sit
At the seat of the bard with pail in hand
Milking his juicy orthography gland

And succling Britannia with nurturing milk
He scribes of Britain and things of that ilk
Commander in Chied of the quil
He writes with passion, with insight and skill.
Observe, if you will...

He lays back and thinks of England
And a part of him starts a'tinglun'
Thoughts will come when they're on top
He screams their name and won't stop
Until they come no more
And they are quite sore
Then poem and bloke
Repose and smoke
And giddily smile
And lay a whilie
And eventually ask each other
`Fancy another?`

See, this is the poet this country needs
One that writes with conviction and bleeds
the transcendentals that flow invtraveinous
From Queens and bankers to fast food cleaners

So what do you say, Mrs Windsor:
Shall we settle Motion's fat-wah?
Let the venal iBen be your artisan
For the generation post-Diann'.

Wife Getting Ready

2009-02-19T12:17:00.000-08:00

Dedicated to my wife, packing for a wedding weekend away

bloody hell
my wife talks a lot
about make up and dresses
and the acessories she got

... whether nails go red
or whatever `French` means
to the cut of her threads
and the shape of her jeans.

She asks me my thoughts
Without stopping to listen
As I need to be taught
About making hair glisten.

She talks about eye lashes
And which I prefer
About what colour clashes
To which I say `eerr...`

But that doesn't matter
Because she isn't concerned
About what I chatter:
My opinions are spurned.

Because whatever I say
Would certain' be wrong
As what counts on the day
Is how the dress is long

And my thoughts on the subject
(Though astute in my mind)
Are Always incorrect
She's sure that I'm blind.

The only input I am sure will not miss
Is in answering the question:
`Does my bum look big in this?`

Primark

2008-12-17T17:42:00.000-08:00

Primark
By Benjamin F. McFosterson

I used to like buying Primark clothes
But now I have secrets to expose
Like in every stitch of budget shirt
A four year old is brutally hurt
With every loose button limply attached
His eyes are bludgened and poked and scratched

And if he needs a toilet break
His family are drowned in the lake
Which is full of the toes of old employees
Who lost them amid tearful pleas
Like `A shirt a minute?! I cannot cope!`
Or `Why do you strangle me with old rope`

But Primark employ ex army guards
Who poke the staff with glazing shards
That the staff have to bring from their houses
Inbetween making shoddy blouses

But it isn't their fault the quality is shoddy
For they have no strength in their upper body
And I've seen with my own eyes the emeaciation
Of all who work in the Primark operation
Where leapers cut cloth and catch the consumption
And live on the basic simple assumption
That all who live to see the next day
Will get their twenty seven Ruppe pay

So if you get a Primark shirt this year
Then wear it while your consciances disappear

Ben's Digestive System

2008-12-17T17:21:00.000-08:00

Ben's Digestve System
By Ben

Through the lips and past the tongue
And down the gullet food is flung

Lower esophageal sphincter widens
And into stomach food does glidens

And churns around for plenty hours
Whle acid eats and enzyme showers

And all the while food is churned
And starts to take the shape of turd

Then through Plyoric Gastral Sphincter
And Pancreatic juices linger

A passing stop to the gall bladder
Then two intestines down the ladder

The first intestine is the small
And has a cilia surfaced wall

Absorbing water by osmosis
And some chemicals quite corrosive

Then thirty coiled feet along
Intestine large puts in the pong

With friendly germs to stop infection
And gasses made avoid detection

Until they reach the rectal hatch
With fatty foods, there lies the catch

Shorty after bolus comes
And if unlucky, comes as runs

And now you know about your gut
Think twice this Christmas on what you glut!

Plagerism

2008-12-08T13:44:00.000-08:00

Plagerism
By Benvolio Haversham-Brown

I wondered as lonely as a cloud
Who was ostrichised for being renouned
For plagerising other peices,
From Canterbury Tales to Luther's Thesies
And lo, my winter of discontent
Was born of my poetic malcontempt

Of intellectual proerty rights
I was like the Sheriff in Men in Tights
That is to say I stole and ran
But frankly my dear, I don't give a damn!

2008-11-25T17:49:00.000-08:00

I sit without a muse
No inspiration to choose
from. Like headline news
No soulful blues
Just empty views
Shortening my fuse
Lengthening my snooze
While no thought stews
So this poem you use
You'll have to excuse :-(

Spiritual War

2008-07-31T16:47:00.000-07:00

Spiritual War
By Benjamin F Foster

One day Jesus and Allah went head to head
A better choice to fight than to break some bread
Because they both follow a zelous, jelous God
Who believes `spoils the prophet that spares the rod`
So into the ring in they both went
Bold in the belief they were both heaven sent
But only one would emerge as the true great teacher
`You goin down` they taunted `I'm gonna beat cha`
So with bolts of lightening and all manor of curses
They fought all night with fists and with verses
A full week later when both were quite knackered
Out of the ring they both limply staggered
Having gotten no where and just making things worse
They made grumpy insults in a maner most terse
But there was one thing they agreed on and without a doubt
They had made more headway than a Lambeth Conference bout!

West End Thesbians

2008-07-02T16:22:00.001-07:00

West End Thesbians
By Benvolio F Foster

you say haematoma I say haematata
You went to royal conti I performed at RADA
I wear gucci shoes but you like your prada
And we`re secretly jelous of the guy from harry potter

So being modern thesbians
with little else to do
All we do is watch westends
And get the tube back to waterloo

And sit back and think of Daniel Radcliff
And his sexy friend miss watson
We unite in thinking they act stiff
But both have our crushes on at least one

42 Day detention

2008-07-02T03:36:00.000-07:00

To those pious enough to quote the 40th clause of the Magna Carta
``To none will we sell, to none will we deny or delay the right to justice``

Read on...

``THE City of London shall have all the old Liberties and Customs [which it hath been used to have]. Moreover We will and grant, that all other Cities, Boroughs, Towns, and the Barons of the Five Ports, and all other Ports, shall have all their Liberties and free Customs.``

Grr fuzz naive liberalists

Capitolism and why it is God

2008-06-30T18:06:00.001-07:00

Capitolism and Why it is God
By Benvolio F Foster

I couldn't decide
So I tossed a dime
To make up my mind
Do I favour the Jews or
Sympathise with Palestine?
Because whichever way I looked
I could only see
Mid East hypocricy

Venge happy Gods
And a thousand false prophets
Bus bombs and suiside bombs and roadside bombs and cluster bombs and missiles that scale walls
And it's just like

Okay,
Let's take this back to the core concepts, mission statement, business plan... whatever.
It's all holy land
We can agree on that
But when children suffer at man's hand
Your God's a bit of a twat... mate
You bring His work by blasting off limbs?
You use your weapon to take a son's father
Then use it to fire victory shots into the air.
And spend more time asserting your own self righteousness
Rather than trying to understand your enemies
And why they'd do the same to you.
Then you go on an offensive on the West
Because their version of peace involves a sympathy of the other party
When every one should know you are divine heirs to Jerusalem!
Then you call the West dangerous while planting bombs
To destroy embassies.

So palestine or Israel
I don't care
Because there's no such thing as the lesser of two evils
Just cunts and death
Because when money isn't a common cause
People follow their own causes
And society doesn't function as one
And it is pulled apart
Like wolves ripping the flesh off an animal
And what's left is bitter fragments
Dangling from the jaws of isnsatiable dogs
who've evolved to survive by savagery

Thaddius

2008-06-26T04:35:00.001-07:00

Thaddius
By Benjamin F Foster

It was a very hot night in Jewusalem
When a man spoke up and broke the decorum
It was good ole Thaddeus who spake the question
``Can I get to heaven without transgression?``

Jesus just sighed and said ``not again
``You must be the slowest of all follower men``
``Is this why in gospels I'm seldom noted?``
``No, it's 'cos your words are too stupid to be quoted``

Thaddius thought for a moment but his brain becan to ache
Then seeing his pain Christ said ``oh for my sake!``
That began the long sermon for that hot night
On the rewards of goodlife or the punishing plight

``What is it like: the Kingdom of Heaven?``
Asked Thaddius eating bread full of leaven

``It's like a small mustard seed with a great many rooms
Where the holy dwell with God without graves or tombs
Where legions of angles sing `holy holy holy`
Amidst the poor and meek and lowly
Where beast and man are free of the curse
That involves Original Sin and the hiring of a hearse
And there I shall sit at the right hand
Of He who's blessings out number the sand``

Seeing the bemused look on Thaddius' expression
Jesus said ``maybe we'll leave this until the next session``
So they stopped the sermon there for Thaddius' sake
And Thaddius' went back to his unleavened cake

2008-06-26T03:56:00.000-07:00

There was once a holy messiah
Who preached like a holy town crier
So great was the word
Generations it stirred
And now he's on every church flyer

(That's for Preacherguy who just commented on my last post)

OMG!

2008-06-20T10:06:00.000-07:00

By Benvolio

You are a
Nation-smiting
Apostle-citing
Bolt-of-lightening
Pharoh-frightening
Let-there-be-light-ing
God

You are my
Demon-casting
Ever-lasting
40-day-fasting
Erase-my-past-ing
Saviour

Who came to earth
by virgin birth
To show your worth

To man and child
From tame to wild
On holiness styled
Yet humility piled
So my name in Book of Life Filed

Which makes the devil irate
Cos he wants to be my mate
But now it's he I slate
As I'm in the Kingdom of Heaven state
So don't you repent too late

Because God's love is for you
Deeper than between a woman a shoe
More ever-lasting than super glue

The Day I was Over the Moon

2008-06-13T11:26:00.000-07:00

by Benjamin F Foster

I always knew the moon had a dark side
And every month'd it would try to hide
It's seas of tranquility
Feigns celestial divinity
Then found another man's flag
Like a dirty shag
I felt like I'd been done wrong
By a Mr Neil Armstrong

But now I ring saturn
Because I'm over the moon

2008-06-12T09:49:00.000-07:00

Hip hop ho
Benjamin F Foster

Today I wished my girlfriend was a freak like you
So I put my hands up for detroit
and prayed unto the God who's a DJ
And thought abouta ll those times
When you said `ho` upon me saying `hey`
And with crystal meth
Danced the pains away
And I just watched you 1, 2 step

But I tried to get get get you drunk
Get you love drunk off your hump
But when I went to touch those lovely lady lumps
You just shrugged and said `can't touch this`
Which made me feel hurt and sad

So I tried to find you on the street
For which you have love
But you was gone, doll
You was gone

And allz I gotz is a little white disco biscuit
with your cheap D&G scent still on it

Jesus and the wee blind fella

2008-06-12T02:56:00.000-07:00

By Benjamin F Foster

So this guy walks up to Jesus and says
`What's the vision? What's the big idea?`
He opens His mouth and the words come out like this
`The vision? the vision is holiness that hurts the eyes
You see bones I see an army`

The man replies
`You misunderstand what I ask
I don't care for prophets and spiritual direction
I am just blind and my memory needs correction`

`I stand corrected
With more understanding
And this will be reflected by my message's landing

`FOR I WILL MAKE YOU SEE!`
Booms Jesus importantly
`See all that's around you
and all you've forgotten
Trees green and oceans blue
For I am God's begotten!`

`Seeing would be nice (if only for a bit)
But I don't believe you have the magic`

So annoyed and put out
The Christ spits in the mud
And wipes on the ingrate
To build up some trust
And when the man saw
He confessed and fell
And Jesus just went:
`God 1 - World Nil`

Robot Milkman

2008-06-09T10:29:00.000-07:00

Robot Milkman
By Benjamin F Foster

Robotic milkman is the perfect solution
To the problem milk and milk distribution
(And I'll tell you why without further ado-tion)

Poor Bill was tired at 4 in the morning
When the day was beginning he was still yawning
But the robotic milkman is quicker than quick
All that he needs is the flick of a switch

Traffic and milk floats are not the best
When it comes to speed, they fail the test
But Robot Milkman with jetpacks and boosters
Makes half the day done before the call of the roosters

And if not enough milk was loaded last night
He has mechanical teets to produce more of the white
Which is good for the dairy that milk can be wired
But when poor Bill tried - alas he was fired.

Blahka

2008-06-07T14:34:00.000-07:00

Today we went to Chesterfield
And a ford Ka we did yield
From a man from the midlands
Who had over six hands
(He didn't really)

And he then bought our fiesta
So the exhaust would us not pester
By falling out of the manifold
When the welds just wouldln't hold

So I drove back in the ka
without diversions too far
Unlike the way there
When my map reading would scare

The very La next to me
Who was driving so carefully

and lo we are home with a brand new machine
And in love I do fall with power steein

This Poem is bananas, b-a-n-a-n-a-s!

2008-06-06T17:01:00.000-07:00

Looking at the evidence, it's plain to see
That the one holler back girl, is Gwen Steffani
Because she goes to extremes to proove the fact
That she's not part of the cheer leader pact
And instead she's the leader - alpha girl if you will
But I think she's exadurating - she's just a singer still
Who now sings hip-hop or a style not far
And before she did that she was a singer of ska
And before that I've reason quote record-track
She's more than well skilled in the act of holla back

What I found on my day offwhat I found on my day off

2008-06-02T03:20:00.000-07:00

What's the similarity between Hilary `Cock` Clingon and Hitler

2008-05-25T04:07:00.000-07:00

They're both cocks.

(this post began life as an intention of sounding whitty but to be honest I think this says what i need to say rather well)

Darky in a Norfolk Shop

2008-03-05T04:15:00.000-08:00

By Benjamin

Keeping their distace
the locals take W810i pictures of the sights before them
Then MMS them to their friends with the line:
`guess what I've seen`
Getting replies asking the essentials like:
`What do they eat?`
And stating the obvious like
`I bet he didn't pay for that`

`Good bye`
He courtiously remarks to the audience as he leaves

Conversation now returns
the opening line being:
`Go back to your own country!`

When he speaks our language,
THEN he can use our shops
Is the consensus among them

But out of sight, out of mind.
Another of the world's strance mysteries
That a man with dark skin
Came into a white shop
In a white country
And left with a book of stamps

Being a Christian

2008-03-02T07:35:00.000-08:00

Do you know Jesus? I ask with authority

He makes me who I am.

I used to be judgemental... like you.

But now I have inner peace

But I still get upset when

Men in dresses talk about Sharia law

And knowing the whole world's in His hands

I stand in the way of Mosque's

Being built on the Prince of Wales Road

Because

`You wouldn't be allowed to build a Church in their country!`

Is enough of an argument

To justify my insecurities

That people would disagree with me can i get an amen?

And why should people need to disagree?

When He is the way the truth the light

The alpha and omega

The one who tells Benny Hinn what to say

Who tells my pastor what to say

Who tells me what to say

To let you know that No one comes to the Father except through the Son.

And with the Holy Spirit as my helper

Even the wildest whims become monumental acts of faith

Like praying for the gothic way you dress

Because WWJD is a the best mantra I've come across

Why?

Because

`treat others as you would wish to be treated`

`What comes around goes around`

Ain't on any t-shirt I know. Or sapient bracelet or pencil or key ring

`You need Jesus in your life`

I command with slightly more volume than before

He takes the bait and argues back.

I turn his argument back on himself

As if the adverb of `World` is a chastisement

And convince him that the presence of nothing

is the same as the absence of something.

In unyielding giving,

I consent to explaining what that something is

`You need Jesus in your life!` I command with slightly more authority than before. The irritation in my tone encourages him to take the bait and he argues back to justify the existence he's cultivated for 15, 25, 45, 95 years perhaps?

I rebuke him with the word `worldly`. While he tries to come to speed with my blessed lexicon I explain the presence of nothing is different to the absence of something.

2008-03-02T07:07:00.000-08:00

Overcoming Awkwardness With Regards Meeting Attractive Girls in Pubs by Virtue of Exadurating One's Accolades Somewhat
By Benjamin

`Word up, girl, my name's Benvolio
That's Benvolo-yeah!

`I'm basicly a big football star
But I want to stay in my current careah

`Because I earn £95 an hour-ah
But I'd have to kill ya

`To tell you what that are
But enough of that

`I could deck that prat
In one second flat

`Without cricket bat
Just my boxing fist

`That's never missed
Even when pissed

` 's why I don't get dissed
But I still respect women

`Don't China have awful human policy
Towards women, I respect you. See?

`And you don't have to sleep with me
But you'd be losing out

`Because I'm hung like an Africanite
And I can go on all night

`And if you're lucky you just might
Get made a breakfast of eggs

`With wine from my vineyard
Served by my body guard

`And it doesn't mean I'm not hard
That I have a protector

`It's 'cos I'm a famous director
So stop that conjecture!

`And come home with me
In my BMW Z3

`To my hill top sanctuary
Called Pemberly

`So what's it to be
My wee womany?

`Take a chance on me?

Ben

2008-02-29T16:11:00.000-08:00

By Benvolio

Too awesome for words
But imagine King Leonidas
But, like, more hardcore, y'know.

And with the wisdom of Atticus
And arms like the Hulk
And a following like Scientology
(But without the undertones of sinisterism)

That's kind of Ben in a nut shell
Though he's rarely found in a shell of any description

Haiku

2008-02-21T14:17:00.000-08:00

By Benjamin

Five on the first line
Syllables that is to say
And finally, five

And now to hear it
In a real haiku of sorts
See below for more:

I like cake so much
I wish I was a big cake
So I could eat me

Why pigs role in the mud. (and other stories)

2008-02-21T13:52:00.000-08:00

By Benjamin

After eight sunrises and seven sunsets
We came to a clearing in the woods
Where with a silent bustle
An expectant audience readied itself

The two of us with no more than
The voices in our mouths
To entertain the forrest floor
With a 2-3-4 we begin and so it began

A hundred obedient crickets layin' the rhythm
With the grunting and sighing horse keepin' the bass
A single drunk parrot blowin' the horn
And a flock of passing mocking birds the twinkling descant

But best of all, the peacocks in their best dress
Dancin to the sound of that surreal night in the forrest clearing
And the pigs rollin on the ground to the beat
who keep that groove today and dance whenever the mud permits

Ballad of St Edmund the Martyr

2008-02-21T13:35:00.000-08:00

By Benjamin

St Edmund the Martyr did die of so many arrows in his back
as a man dying the death of St Edmund the Martyr should merit

A number that's a lot
A number that only the Danish heathens could count

Shudder

But St Edmund the Martyr did have the last posthumous laugh
'Pon the Danes all dying of death in 970 AD

Jesus and the Sermon on the Mount

2008-02-21T13:29:00.001-08:00

By Benjamin

`CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?`

Shouts the Messiah down the mountain
A muffled `What?` is heard from below
So in faith the size of a mustard seed
he moved the mountain closer to the crowd

`Here's what's going to happen`
Begins the sermon
`I'm going to get messed up for you people
and you can't (And won't) stop me`.

Half the crowd leaves.
Their NCFC shirts, scarves and chants suggest
They didn't realise the gathering was a sermon

All the crowd is now in obediance
`Peter, you will deny me thrice before the cock crows`
`don't know you don't know you don't know you. Now what?`

`this is going to be a tough mission sighs the lamb`

Jesus in Canaan

2008-02-21T13:25:00.000-08:00

By Benjamin

Blink!

And you've missed it...

The whater that you've grown so accustomed to
Whater no more.
Wine in jugs,
Wine in jugs.

A soft ambiance of polite applause
ripples through the crowd at this miracle
But all the guests
(despite their ettiquette)
In their turbans do throw their Qurans at Jesus

Because now they're thirsty

Revelation

2008-02-21T13:23:00.000-08:00

By Benvolio

A badger aloft my head
A jackdaw beneath my feet
The very beauty of nature
reveals to me that

I'm upside down today

Zinger Tower Fat Boy

2008-02-21T13:20:00.000-08:00

For Dave Garcia, 'pon his fast food OD

By Benvolio

`I'll have eighty seven happy meals with a quarter pounder!`
screams a lardy Dave from afront the counter

`I'm not hungry but I need food now,
Food from a cow
Or a sow
Or a dog`

`Please don't eat me`
Cowers the man behind the till,
for he alone knows Dave will
With a fanta still
Til he's had his fill

`I'm dying at 23!`
dies dave
`Woe is me
full of KFC
And a blocked artery
and a wasit of 63"`